The wrong kind of fuel

Time spirals around me like a rushing wind. Most of the time I'm left dazzled with a feeling of impending chaos. Rarely I manage to ride through the wind and come out at an advantage.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this year is completely crazy. Every day is a scramble to shove as much information into my brain as possible. Instead of feeling a growing sense of understanding I feel shell shocked. My brain feels disorganised with snippets of facts. 

All students use a fuel (motivation) to spur them on. My study is fuelled by an underlying belief that I'm teetering on the edge of failing. This is exhausting and unhelpful. I also somehow have got it into my head that unless I know everything, then I know nothing. This leaves medicine feeling overwhelming and chore-like. 

Beautifully though, sometimes I forget to use this fuel. On  the weekend I caught a virus. Nothing serious- but it left me too tired to study at my desk. Taking all the pressure off, I lay in bed with a lovely cup of tea and treated my textbook like a novel and soaked up all the interesting facts. It was wonderful. 

A classmate came over to do a bit of revision. Like true nerds we were soon exclaiming in delight over malaria and cirrhosis of the liver. Instead of stressing, it enabled me to recapture the joy of medicine. 

If possible I would like to switch over to this fuel full-time. Somehow I need to let go of this false belief that I probably won't make it. Surely years of academic success would make this easy- but I've been running on this fuel for as long as I can remember! 

Leaving all that aside. Some really cool things have happened. I got to feel my first enlarged spleen. I placed my hand just under the left side of the patient's ribcage, and had them take a deep breath. Slowly the big organ float down onto my hand. I think I let out a little squeal of joy. My supervising GP just laughed. The patient lay there, feeling sick, but smiled. That same week I managed to put on gloves for a small surgical procedure correctly. This involves putting on gloves without touching their exterior. It scares me a little that it took me 7 weeks to master the art of putting on gloves! The GP said he could now write 'show's improvement' on my report card. 

We all have to do 30 hours of volunteer work before the year ends. I am lucky enough to spend my Mondays with a craft group for people with disabilities. Last week I was paired with the only male in the group. The activity was to decorate felt hats with flowers. This did not suit him at all. Together we turned the hat into a dinosaur with spines and eyes. Every now and then he would suddenly roar like a dinosaur. Over lunch I helped him prepare his food and then sat daydreaming, tapping to the music. Suddenly the girl next to me grabbed my hand to make me tap louder. Soon many people joined our table and we were all tapping to the music! This made my day. Often I'm too scared to clap in public, aware that my musical ability is very limited. Yet here I was leading a bunch of people:)

I have also just finished crocheting my first hat. I love the spiral pattern and chaotic colours! In no way did I mean for that to echo the beginning of this blog:) During my med interview the doctor told me that no matter what I had to keep up my knitting and crocheting if I got into med. This is some of the wisest advice I've been given so far! 

Step by step

Each time I've written my blog this year I've hoped that - 'next time I'll write, med will be easier''. 

This time I've put off writing for over a month, so that I could finally write 'hurray I've found my feet, second year is okay now!'

Yet this still this has not happened. Med is still doing my head in. It is a little like a kid waiting for Father Christmas to come, and yet he never does. Waiting day after day, with such eager hope and continually being disappointed is rather hard to deal with. So... I've decided to accept that second year will never be easy and will be borderline impossible. 

I remember once when I was worn out and barely had the energy to walk to school. I would push myself to walk from one pretty flower to the next (or to another such highlight 5 metres ahead). All I had to do was keep walking and focus on the joy along the way. I did this for a few weeks and successfully made it to school every day. If I had focussed on the 1500 metres instead I never would have made it- I was just too tired.

This is how I'm going to treat second year. Each day I'll focus on the joy of what I'm learning. I will refuse to think about the massive pool of knowledge I must conquer. 

There have been several highlights this year:

1. I have finally given injections!  Unlike the movies I did not practice first on oranges- I went straight to an unsuspecting lady. Thankfully flu shots aren't too hard to give. 

2. I have learnt to take blood. This is much harder to do, and I practised on a mannequin first. Under his plastic skin was a tube full of fake blood. 

3. This is probably quite nerdy, but it is so nice to understand a little about medical conditions that I've heard bantered around for years. These include: COPD (bronchitis, emphysema), pneumonia, tuberculosis, inflammatory bowel disease (Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis), cirrhosis of the liver, GORD, DVT, infective endocarditis, rheumatic heart disease, arrhythmias, fibroids, endometriosis, dysfunctional uterine bleeding, chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis. 

4. I had lots of people over during the Easter break. It was so much fun to just take time out to cook real food and spend time with people. Perhaps it was even more special because 15 months ago I knew none of these people. Slowly Perth is becoming my other home. 

5. Almost everyday I walk along  the beach as the sun is setting. The sunsets almost rival those of Darwin.

Off to take a few more steps.... :)

The harder track.

Back home I have a mountain I like to climb. It's the only mountain in my city, and not particularly big.  It has two tracks. One track is pretty easy and guarantees the viewing of at least 20 koalas. The other track is mostly difficult with one particular stretch that just about kills me.

When I'm climbing this killer stretch I want to give up every time. It feels impossible. Yet I know from my past climbs that I'll make it- and that the view is worth it.

This is what uni is like at the moment. I'm in that killer stretch. I want to give up. It feels impossible. Yet last year has taught me that I'll make it. All I have to do it put one foot forward and then the other and so on. I will make it.

My mind is filled with all sorts of fears and worries, but I'm taking comfort in a cartoon that currently graces my desk.

''When I confronted my fear it just exploded into a jug of very sunny flowers''

I'd also like to point out- if not just to remind myself- that I much prefer the harder track, even if it has a distinct lack of koalas. Over my summer break I climbed the easy track once, and the hard one at least 15 times. I must remember that prior to medicine I was so very bored, no matter how many challenges I tried to take on. Medicine is my match and captures my interest unlike anything else I've studied. I'm so thankful that I chose (and was chosen) to take the harder track. 

Also in the photo above is Alfred, a puppet I was given by my workmates, when I left my job in a toy store after 3 years. Sometimes reading endless notes and books gets a little boring. When this occurs Alfred becomes my patient and 'we' discuss his symptoms, investigations, treatments and the underlying pathology of his condition. This is perhaps my most effective way of studying yet! 

Today I started my GP placement. The patients were wonderfully varied and I got to see an abdomen being sewn up. The best bit though, was when the GP said he'd set aside 30 minutes to teach me. He took me to the tearoom where I made a coffee. At first I thought we were just going to discuss patients- but no... he ran off and grabbed two suturing kits. We sat side by side on chairs in front of the couch and through copying him I learnt to suture. By the end the couch's throw was full of sutures! I've taken the needle home to practise with.

 

Finally- I've included a photo of the jumper I've just finished knitting. What a wonderful stress relief knitting is! 

ps. my best friend and her husband from back home just left after visiting for a week. Visits are always bittersweet. Such fun, so tiring, and a reminder of just how much I miss people from back home. 

DON'T PANIC

This last week I've had two reoccurring thoughts that suddenly awaken my calm mind like warning sirens. 


Firstly I see Holly from Red Dwarf saying: "Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement."

Secondly I have 'DON'T PANIC'(from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) blazed into my mind. 

I know many second years are feeling similar- though perhaps without the nerdy TV shows invading their minds!

Last year I got myself in a beautiful study rhythm. I was expecting that this rhythm would serve me well in second year. It has not. Last year was like studying a rocket- nice and concrete. This year is like studying the fireworks from a lit rocket. Information is flying everywhere with no obvious structure. No matter how much I study information seems to slip from my mind and somehow I keep forgetting to cover key points. This is so frustrating! Perhaps providing myself with a structure (skeleton) on which to hang all the weekly information (muscles etc) will make study this year more logical. 

Here's my current plan (I'm sure it'll be adjusted regularly)

1. Revise key anatomy/physiology from last year (using Martini)

2. Go over pathology relevant to the current week (using Robins/ Porth/Kumar &Clark)

3. Know symptoms, signs & investigations which lead to the diagnosis (using Kumar &Clark)

4. Understand treatment (using Kumar & Clark, Rang &Dale)

5. Review lectures and other electronic resources

6. Practice clinical skills with reasoning (Using Talley and O'Conner)

7. Review drugs on the train (I hate pharmacology) 

8. Review ECGs, X-rays, Spirometry etc before bed using videos so that I can knit too. 

9. Do 1-5 by Tues night and revise content of current week and past weeks on Wed-Thurs.

Far out- so much work!!!! Hopefully though this stops Holly and HGTTG from trying to turn me into a stress machine (and helps me to pass this year). 

In 2009 I did my final OT placement. My most memorable patient was a lovely old lady, who I had to take a history from. Her family said that she had  a life time habit of stressing. It was like seeing myself in 60 years time. I decided then and there that being stressed should NEVER become a habit with me. This was all well and good as an OT, but then I started the most stressful degree on earth (in my opinion). Nonetheless just as a toddler learns to walk and then grows into an adult who can climb mountains (hopefully) surely I can learn to be peaceful even in a harder environment! It'll just take a bit of practise. We all have stress relievers. Mine are: praying, cooking, knitting, coffee, walking somewhere pretty, and laughing with friends. What are yours? 

Ah- I feel better already! 

On a positive note my parents visited last weekend. It was so much fun showing off Perth to them. Despite missing Adelaide and my easier old life I do love Perth. It's just such a beautiful place to live. I love it how Dad went cycling with a couple of my med friends' cycling crew! Being taken out for so many lovely meals was awesome, as was chatting and laughing with my parents.

Last week we had a tute on ECG's, which ended with our first med joke. The tutor put an ECG of ventricular fibrillation (rapid, irregular, ineffective pumping of blood to the rest of the body) on the screen. He said 'what does this mean?'. We all responded 'it's the end (as it can be fatal)'. He said 'that's right class over'. Hahahahha.

The end. 

ps. if anyone has a better study plan- please let me know!!!!!:)

Wanting to go back... sort of.

Let’s face it, most people write blogs for themselves. I certainly do. I know that many med people read this, because so many random people keep talking to me about my study plan- something I only ever posted on here! This makes me feel pressured to be witty and less vulnerable. I had decided not to write this year for this reason. Yet people asked me to write and I rather suspect that I have an inbuilt need to reflect that this blog fulfills so well. Medicine is so science based that at times it is so easy to lose the art of reflection that OT taught me to love. So here begins another year of blogging:)

Today as I was driving a song came on the radio- one that seemed to echo everything my heart had been feeling over the last few weeks, but had been unable to articulate.

(Sara Groves- Painting Pictures of Egypt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcIA4Cnj6j4)

Last year coming to Perth was full of hope and excitement. Finally I was studying medicine- I was living my dream! I knew no one, barely knew Perth and somehow believed that studying medicine wouldn’t be too hard. Life was great.

Ha- such high hopes and innocence! Three weeks later I found myself literally running out of uni (I have a bad scar on my leg to prove it), believing that I’d never make it through first year. Medicine was just too hard. Luckily I had too many lovely supportive people to let me give up. I stuck the year out and passed.

Excessive relief and excitement on finishing first year

This year I came back after the summer break, expecting to slip happily back into my little life over here. Surely this year would be easier, I had friends, knew Perth and now had a more realistic view of medicine.

SO SO SO wrong. Never have I wanted to be somewhere less. I miss home and don’t really relish the thought of studying all the time. Perhaps the 3 weeks of a gastro-like bug (thank you housemates who held my vomit bucket and friends who checked in on me daily) have compounded these feelings. I wish that medicine hadn’t captured my heart, that I didn’t crave adventure and somehow I could crawl back to my old life.

To quote my cousin- I feel like Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit) who has experienced adventure and now can never settle back into his old life. I’ve grown too much. My old life would suffocate me with ease and boredom, while my new life is a constant, uncomfortable challenge.

My homesickness pervades my mind hourly and I wish it’d just leave me alone. It won’t. Being an OT (and all soft, fluffy etc) I’ll let myself have an afternoon to grieve my old life. Perhaps then, it’ll leave me, or hurt less. More than anything I want to have my close friends and family here. I miss being around people where my shyness falls away completely. I never knew how important it is to be KNOWN until I moved to Perth. My friends who have also moved away feel the same.

Thankfully this year I have a heap of visitors, every month, from home. So I can’t feel too sad! Like last year I’m sure soon enough I’ll settle into Perth and wonder what all the fuss was about.  I’m determined to not let medicine (the thing I love) become my chief hate and complaint.

Why is this year going to be good? Firstly I own a lovely new whiteboard and wonderful pens for study. Secondly the beach is 5 minutes walk away- I go there twice a day. Thirdly I’m determined to take a whole day off a week. Fourthly we now have a bottle class. This is AMAZING. In small groups we look at bottled organs and try and guess what disease led to the patient’s death. Being a detective is so much fun! Finally despite my homesickness, it is so nice to see my Perth friends whom I missed over the summer break.

Here's a blanket I knitted during end of year exams and a jumper I'm finishing off now. Somehow a hobby I took up to give me motor skills worthy of surgery has become one of my favourite things!

My goal for this year is to move beyond desperately trying to pass medicine. Surely time can be found to love and encourage others, forgetting about myself for a while!

'I'm free at last' or 'when all is said and done' or some other inappropriate use of a quote.

Exams are done. 

It was like being in a pressure cooker (even though I have never used one) and well it all got too much. For the first time all semester I had to call home (not for fun, but to be calmed down) and ask everyone for a whole heap of support. I would lay awake for 4 hours during the middle of most nights and study feverishly during the days.

On top of my tiredness and stress my neighbour freaked me out just as I was heading out to my last exam. This led to me crying on the train and having the whole carriage offer me support (I don't remember the last time I've cried in public- except for funerals). A middle eastern guy in my year offered to 'have a chat' with this neighbour and another found a shop that sold pepper spray for me. Numerous others kept checking in with me to make sure I was safe. I love my med family. 

To relieve some stress my med housemate and I started eating together and playing 'anatomical charades'. The aim is to contort your body into the shape of an organ or cell until the other can guess what you are. It a very nerdy game that she invented. Play it- it's fun. 

For those interested our practical exam was on the following:

cardiac history

respiratory history

psychiatric history

cranial nerve examination

elbow examination

vitals assessment (blood pressure, pulse, BMI)

The written paper focussed on:

asthma

leukaemia 

pregnancy 

stroke

kidney damage 

The cadaver lab paper focussed on:

Lymphatic system

blood sugar regulation- I think

the heart

the liver

the digestive system

the brain and skull

musculoskeletal

microbiology

 

I can't remember the other few stations! 

Well the exams went well I think- phew!!!!!!!!! 

Now it's time to head home and try and relax. 

:)

Exams. EXAMS. Exams. 

It's that beautiful time of year when that is the pervading noun that sneaks into every thought, conversation and action, and hopefully evades our dreams. 

People have been asking me for my exams times. Here they are:

4/11/11: 2 hour exam in the cadaver lab. It's basically on anatomy, physiology, pharmacology etc. It'll start 10am or 12:30, depending if I'm in group 1 or 2.

7/11/11: 3 hour exam in the exam hall. It's on EVERYTHING. 

9/11/11 12-5 (although it only goes for a little over an hour). MSAT this is where I get to wear nice clothes and take medical histories and exam 'patients'. This is my favourite as it's the easiest to prepare for. I just hope I don't get someone I know as a patient or examiner and freak out in the moment. 

And then.... BLISS. Holidays. This will be spent with as little sitting and thinking as possible. Some of us have given ourselves 'learning objectives' (we get these each week to guide our med learning) for the holidays. This is incredibly nerdy. Still time is precious. Mine are to:

1) write a Christmas puppet show with my cousin 

2) climb mount lofty several times

3) swim as often as possible

4) cook real meals (not stupid- 'let's cook and freeze heaps of foods so I can study meals')

5) make a quilt

6) love my Adelaide friends to bits

7) sleep

Most med people seem to be heading overseas, oh well Adelaide feels a little like going overseas. 

This is my last blog before exams. Lately I've been thinking how med has forced me to stop letting my weaknesses hold me back. My motor skills were shocking so I took up knitting. Now my fine motor skills are good enough to let me consider surgery. Now I am seeing if this method can be applied to my appalling singing ability.  During my study breaks I play my housemate's keyboard and attempt to sing in tune. Maybe in a year's time I'll no longer be ashamed of my voice. Wooohooo for medicine... it seriously is the best medicine. 

(my home for the next two weeks, with my favourite biscuits that are only allowed to be made during exam time. They are full of chocolate and ground coffee) :)

See you after exams.