Wanting to go back... sort of.

Let’s face it, most people write blogs for themselves. I certainly do. I know that many med people read this, because so many random people keep talking to me about my study plan- something I only ever posted on here! This makes me feel pressured to be witty and less vulnerable. I had decided not to write this year for this reason. Yet people asked me to write and I rather suspect that I have an inbuilt need to reflect that this blog fulfills so well. Medicine is so science based that at times it is so easy to lose the art of reflection that OT taught me to love. So here begins another year of blogging:)

Today as I was driving a song came on the radio- one that seemed to echo everything my heart had been feeling over the last few weeks, but had been unable to articulate.

(Sara Groves- Painting Pictures of Egypt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcIA4Cnj6j4)

Last year coming to Perth was full of hope and excitement. Finally I was studying medicine- I was living my dream! I knew no one, barely knew Perth and somehow believed that studying medicine wouldn’t be too hard. Life was great.

Ha- such high hopes and innocence! Three weeks later I found myself literally running out of uni (I have a bad scar on my leg to prove it), believing that I’d never make it through first year. Medicine was just too hard. Luckily I had too many lovely supportive people to let me give up. I stuck the year out and passed.

Excessive relief and excitement on finishing first year

This year I came back after the summer break, expecting to slip happily back into my little life over here. Surely this year would be easier, I had friends, knew Perth and now had a more realistic view of medicine.

SO SO SO wrong. Never have I wanted to be somewhere less. I miss home and don’t really relish the thought of studying all the time. Perhaps the 3 weeks of a gastro-like bug (thank you housemates who held my vomit bucket and friends who checked in on me daily) have compounded these feelings. I wish that medicine hadn’t captured my heart, that I didn’t crave adventure and somehow I could crawl back to my old life.

To quote my cousin- I feel like Bilbo Baggins (The Hobbit) who has experienced adventure and now can never settle back into his old life. I’ve grown too much. My old life would suffocate me with ease and boredom, while my new life is a constant, uncomfortable challenge.

My homesickness pervades my mind hourly and I wish it’d just leave me alone. It won’t. Being an OT (and all soft, fluffy etc) I’ll let myself have an afternoon to grieve my old life. Perhaps then, it’ll leave me, or hurt less. More than anything I want to have my close friends and family here. I miss being around people where my shyness falls away completely. I never knew how important it is to be KNOWN until I moved to Perth. My friends who have also moved away feel the same.

Thankfully this year I have a heap of visitors, every month, from home. So I can’t feel too sad! Like last year I’m sure soon enough I’ll settle into Perth and wonder what all the fuss was about.  I’m determined to not let medicine (the thing I love) become my chief hate and complaint.

Why is this year going to be good? Firstly I own a lovely new whiteboard and wonderful pens for study. Secondly the beach is 5 minutes walk away- I go there twice a day. Thirdly I’m determined to take a whole day off a week. Fourthly we now have a bottle class. This is AMAZING. In small groups we look at bottled organs and try and guess what disease led to the patient’s death. Being a detective is so much fun! Finally despite my homesickness, it is so nice to see my Perth friends whom I missed over the summer break.

Here's a blanket I knitted during end of year exams and a jumper I'm finishing off now. Somehow a hobby I took up to give me motor skills worthy of surgery has become one of my favourite things!

My goal for this year is to move beyond desperately trying to pass medicine. Surely time can be found to love and encourage others, forgetting about myself for a while!