I guess what I'm trying to say is that this year is completely crazy. Every day is a scramble to shove as much information into my brain as possible. Instead of feeling a growing sense of understanding I feel shell shocked. My brain feels disorganised with snippets of facts.
All students use a fuel (motivation) to spur them on. My study is fuelled by an underlying belief that I'm teetering on the edge of failing. This is exhausting and unhelpful. I also somehow have got it into my head that unless I know everything, then I know nothing. This leaves medicine feeling overwhelming and chore-like.
Beautifully though, sometimes I forget to use this fuel. On the weekend I caught a virus. Nothing serious- but it left me too tired to study at my desk. Taking all the pressure off, I lay in bed with a lovely cup of tea and treated my textbook like a novel and soaked up all the interesting facts. It was wonderful.
A classmate came over to do a bit of revision. Like true nerds we were soon exclaiming in delight over malaria and cirrhosis of the liver. Instead of stressing, it enabled me to recapture the joy of medicine.
If possible I would like to switch over to this fuel full-time. Somehow I need to let go of this false belief that I probably won't make it. Surely years of academic success would make this easy- but I've been running on this fuel for as long as I can remember!
Leaving all that aside. Some really cool things have happened. I got to feel my first enlarged spleen. I placed my hand just under the left side of the patient's ribcage, and had them take a deep breath. Slowly the big organ float down onto my hand. I think I let out a little squeal of joy. My supervising GP just laughed. The patient lay there, feeling sick, but smiled. That same week I managed to put on gloves for a small surgical procedure correctly. This involves putting on gloves without touching their exterior. It scares me a little that it took me 7 weeks to master the art of putting on gloves! The GP said he could now write 'show's improvement' on my report card.
We all have to do 30 hours of volunteer work before the year ends. I am lucky enough to spend my Mondays with a craft group for people with disabilities. Last week I was paired with the only male in the group. The activity was to decorate felt hats with flowers. This did not suit him at all. Together we turned the hat into a dinosaur with spines and eyes. Every now and then he would suddenly roar like a dinosaur. Over lunch I helped him prepare his food and then sat daydreaming, tapping to the music. Suddenly the girl next to me grabbed my hand to make me tap louder. Soon many people joined our table and we were all tapping to the music! This made my day. Often I'm too scared to clap in public, aware that my musical ability is very limited. Yet here I was leading a bunch of people:)
I have also just finished crocheting my first hat. I love the spiral pattern and chaotic colours! In no way did I mean for that to echo the beginning of this blog:) During my med interview the doctor told me that no matter what I had to keep up my knitting and crocheting if I got into med. This is some of the wisest advice I've been given so far!
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