These past two weeks have been a little tough. I found out that someone back in Adelaide is unwell (they'll probably be completely fine). Part of me wanted to be the tough medical student and logically reason that everything will be okay and just power on through with my study. The OT part of me wanted to take time out and cry a little, watch movies, go on long walks and basically let myself come to grips with what was happening. I thought I was coping just fine with a lovely balance between the med and OT coping methods. Yet I found myself very carefully refusing to cry when my best friend from back home tried to hug me through the computer screen on skype.
So what is the best way to 'cope'? Is there are good way? There are a few things that I know. I absolutely refuse to be someone who lets my sadness become a method for seeking attention, or even part of my identity (I probably take this too far and don't let people help me nearly enough). I also refuse to pretend that nothing is wrong at all and make no time to grieve. I now know that when I'm upset I have far less reserves for standing up for myself, or simply telling people that I need space. When I am sad I feel vulnerable and hide.
I'm crazy for metaphors, did you know that? This last week pink daisy like flowers have been popping up everywhere. I love them- they happily bob and sway and generally look very pretty. Early one morning I went for a walk/run and saw them. Their petals were all wrapped into a tight little bud, protecting itself from the cold air (I suppose, although I know nothing about flowers). When I feel vulnerable I am like this. People come and, unless I feel safe, I will wrap the petals more closely around me. Sometimes people come and try and rip the petals open. This is dreadful, this is when I close down completely. If only they had come warmly and gently and INVITED me to open, rather than demanding it. This made me wonder about how patients must feel when they are sick and vulnerable. Doctors have to come and ask the patient how they are going- no excuses. I think a warm, gentle, humble doctor (who also gives an air of being competent) would be far more successful in building a good rapport and thus getting a good history than a busy, demanding doctor who fails to see the best in the patient. For all this though, I'm amazed at how kind everyone has been to me.
So enough of trying to be deep and reflective! This week we got to conduct ECGs on each other. In my little group of three, we couldn't figure out why one girl had so much interference showing up on the reading. It took us at least an hour to remember that she is pregnant and therefore has second heart being inside of her!!! Oh dear. We also learnt that the heart beats a little faster when breathing in and a little slower when breathing out. This is for two reasons. Primarily it's because the respiratory control centre is very close to the cardiovascular centre in the brainstem. Breathing in requires the diaphragm and some muscles that move the ribcage to contract. This requires electrical signalling from the respiratory centre. It's proximity to the cardiovascular centre means there's a little bit of electrical over flow and thus the heart beats more. The second reason is that as the lungs expand it creates a drop in pressure, thus sucking more blood back to the heart (venous return). My ECG reading is now proudly decorating my bedroom wall.
Finally I am so sick of being ridiculously shy. I hate being the only person in my clinical skills group who blushes profusely week after week. This week the tutor said he'd been deliberately avoiding me all lesson so that I wouldn't get stage fright, and could concentrate on learning. Far out!!! Is there any way of not blushing at the thought of blushing? Is there any way of not being shy? I've moved states, made new friends and still I'm shy!! Perhaps I just need to stop worrying about it, laugh, and continue to get on with it!
